I know everything sucks.

I've been in hospital since the 3rd of January.
It's shit.

I discovered two days ago, in the midst of a member of staff shouting at me, that my discharge date is the 24th April. Definitely.
Until this morning. When I was told that the date has been moved to some time in May.
I want to be free, but at the same time I know I won't be OK if I go now.

But I can't talk. No matter how much I need to; No matter how hard I try; no matter who it is...
It's so frustrating. It's easier to do it through here than to say it out loud. But doing it like this doesn't relieve how I feel.
They don't believe that I'm actually trying.
They keep shouting at me for 'not trying'.
I am trying. I'm trying harder than ever before. But I'm failing. Like I always do. And the self harm is getting worse. Because I hate myself for being such a failure. For being so incapable of doing something so stupid as talking about my 'problems'. Whereas others...no,they can do it so goddamn easily. SHE can do it so easily. Yet goes on to me about how she 'can't talk' when she tells EVERYONE EVERYTHING about her 'problems'. Bullshit. She wants problems? She wants attention? She can have my fucking life. She can have my 'attention'. Not that there's any of the positive kind of that.

Am pissing off now.

Ramble.

Rambling away to myself again...

Went to Carousel Wednesday afternoon to cheer myself up. Which, when explained to Steve, I was laughed at for :)
But it was good, and has made me smile muchly.
Even if I did end up crying several times :
Embarrassing.

Mmm. I'm sleepy.

Bang

Bang
Originally uploaded by Paws31

Fireworks the other week at Christchurch were brilliant.

They made me smile :)

Happy

Mmm. I haven't been so happy in ages.
Today was brilliant. Absolutely.

I have much to smile about right now. :)

Correction

It isn't so bad.
I didn't totally fuck up today, and I think managed to seem like less of a mindless idiot.

On another note- Tim Minchin on Saturday. Which I'm really looking forward to....but also not because of...circumstances. Which, to be fair, are all my fault.

Fool.

First Day

First day of bloody work experience.
I don't much like it there so far; Steve scares me and it's all very exhausting but it was fun having Ken to bully all afternoon. ^_^

Steve talks very quickly, and does everything very quickly. Also, with the medication, I forget pretty much everything, so when I'm asked stuff about what I've just done two seconds beforehand, I can't remember. Steve thinks I'm really stupid, I swear. Gah.

Considering how utterly exhausted I've been lately, I'm surprised I managed today. Mind you, I don't think I'll manage tomorrow.

On the plus side, if I get a design done, then I can make it all myself for print on a t-shirt ^_^

Ahoy 'hoy

It's bloody freezing right now.

I really don't like any of the templates that Blogger has. I can't find one that I like, and if I edit one myself, then they turn out awful.
Bah.

I've nothing new to say, really...I don't think.
I haven't much of a memory at the moment. I can't remember the past week, and now can't remember what I did, if anything at all, yesterday.

Work Experience in two weeks. I'm scared. Very scared. Also, if my head is still like this then, then I won't be able to do anything. I won't be able to remember or understand what they tell me. Bugger. Oh, and to further add to it, it's quite a manual job, and of what they've told me, I'll need to do manual stuff too. That's not a good idea. As I can't currently see straight.

Yes. Enough of my whinging.

I'm off to see Robots In Disguise in October, HelloGoodbye in November, and possibly Tim Minchin in October. Mid-way through my two work experience weeks. Whoops. But Tim was booked and arranged long before I knew what dates W.E. was.

Am talking to myself...